Tagarchief: life

Time heals nothing

Like a lost file in an archive, your most painful memories rest somewhere nearly untraceable in your head for months or even years,  without having any effect on you. Although they are always there;  somehow they cannot touch or reach you. Hovering around invisibly,  almost as if long forgotten. You are doing beautifully fine, life is good and things are looking up. Besides, compared to what some other people have been through, your story, your problem: it seems unworthy to even mention.

I have never been a self-pity kind of person.

But then again, the time will come when the winds change and the files that appeared to have been forgotten about, run their stories clearer and louder than ever before. When something or someone has hurt you so deeply, there is no such thing as forgetting. There is no healing, not even scars. Forever you will carry it with you, waiting inside for a moment of silence, a moment of weakness to rearise.

I hadn’t thought of it for many months.

My hands turn into fists, My heart is beating fast, my body is tense and my jaws are clenched together. I am laying on the couch with my knees pulled up to my chin. My eyelids firmly closed. If only I could relax my jaws, I would cry. Right now I can’t even breathe, I can’t hear. It feels like I’m burning, screaming in silence and suddenly feeling like it all happened only yesterday.

The sound of a ticking clock reaches me.

Finally I can take a deep breath.

My body relaxes.  I shiver and tears start streaming down my face. It feels like I’ve been away for hours instead of seconds.  It reminds me of sleeping.

Your heart never forgets, for time does not exist. A realization that puzzles me time after time. Sometimes in a good way, luckily.

Forever

He grabbed his T-shirt off the bedroom floor and walked outside. He sat down on the fallen tree that has been laying in our yard for many years. We never bothered to get rid of it. It looks rotten. He sat down on the tree and lit up his cigarette like he always did.

I was just watching him and realized he always took his T-shirt outside with him without putting it on. His body looked pale yet strong. It was a clear night. For a moment I thought of joining him. To sit down next to him and tell him I love him. I changed my mind because he already knows. He loves me because I changed my mind.

He smoked his cigarette only half, like he always did. He got up and walked back inside. He walked up to me and wiped the tears from my face. He never asks questions because he always knows. Forever is a feeling, not a word.